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The First Church of Garlicoin

Welcome to Our Congregation.

This church was founded to spread the teachings and love of Garlic Bread, and to deliver our brothers and sisters to the Great Garlicky Beyond that awaits us all. We welcome followers from all walks of life into our buttery fold. We believe that anyone who welcomes Garlic into their heart can be saved from eternal damnation and transcend into the paradise of the Great Garlicky Beyond.

Our History


The year is 800, and in the small town of Breadenshire located just outside of Rome an event is about to take place that will change the world. This was a glorious time for the Holy Roman Empire, with Charlemagne being crowned Holy Roman Emperor of the west by Pope Leo III, Christianity was spreading like wildfire across Europe and nothing could stand in its way.

The daughter of a baker, Rosa Garlita, was with child. Though she remained pure in her actions and abstained from the treachery of premarital coitus, the garlicy beyond had chosen her to carry the cloven god within her womb. Rosa’s father owned a bakery known throughout the region for baking the finest of breads. It was these magnificent breads that carried the will of our garlicy gods to those in the human world. The first message came secluded in a loaf of sourdough that contained information to Rosa about the events that were to take place. When Rosa consumed a slice of this holy bread, the deliciousness and pure euphoria that engulfed her caused her to as they say “trip balls”. It was during this time and through this medium the gods from beyond spoke to her. They said she was to have a son who was chosen to be the savior of mankind, and she was to name him Giuseppe.

Saint Garlo the Benevolent

The First Church of Garlicoin was founded in 1572 by Saint Garlo the Benevolent of Rome, in the wake of the Garlic Schism of 1569. Saint Garlo understood that salvation could only be achieved through the holy sacrament of Garlic Bread. He would pay dearly for his courage in defying the values of the time, dying at the hands of his detractors in 1594 after a life of exile. The Church however, would prosper in the coming years as the worship of Garlic Bread grew to be accepted in the post-Renaissance Age of Reason.

Archbishop Garliqué II the Reformer

By the middle of the 20th century, the First Church of Garlicoin had fallen into a state of decadence. Church leaders had become corrupt and utilized their stature for personal gain. By the 1970s the Church was on the verge of becoming bankrupt. Tithes meant to sustain and grow The Church had been pilfered by the dishonest clergy. In these dire times a bold Bishop exposed the sins of his peers and took the title of Archbishop Garlique II with the unanimous support of the laymen. Later known as "The Reformer," the Archbishop expelled the deviants from The Church and ensured its livelihood for decades to come. In his later years, Garliqué expressed his vision for the future: in order for The Church to spread worldwide, it would need a way to remind people of Garlic in their day-to-day lives. We firmly believe that day is upon us with the genesis of Garlicon, the world's first Garlic-based currency.

The Lord's Prayer

Our father who art in grain, garlic be thine name. We ask today that you look down upon us from the great garlicky beyond and are pleased by our acts of worship. May our baking honor you and our buttery garlic blend be worthy of your blessing. We thank you for this day and all the garlic you have bestowed upon us, for it is only through the power of this most holy blend of garlic and starch that we may find our salvation. We ask today that our breath may be stained by the stench of your garlicky word, and our bodies be full of your starchy wisdom. We ask that you forgive us of our past wrongdoings and lead us to the warm glow of the great oven beyond. For through the power of your garlic, we may not only better ourselves but our community.

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